Thursday, August 7, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Well I'm actually curious about the movie so for the first time in my life I decided to watch a movie alone. I did not regret it since some part of the movie I can sort of relate. It was not your typical happy ending kind of thing but still it is a feel good movie where at the end of watching it you want to say to yourself "Yeah right why didn't I think of it might save me some heartbreak" Anyway this post is kinda late but I hope you enjoy the video :)
Friday, March 22, 2013
Before I begin this rambling of mine let me congratulate those who finally graduated from high school and college ahhh the sweet smell of realizing one's dream that is just beyond one's grasp. I salute more those people that despite their hardship and circumstances in life they still continue to pursue their studies. I know it's not easy being able to stay focus despite having difficulty in surviving day to day living especially if one's problem is that of financial aspect or just having difficulty passing one's subject. I can't actually relate to those two main problem I've mentioned but I have empathy and understanding that most people give me credit for. Yeah I may look silly and stupid at times but deep within me is this great fondness and desire to learn more about people's attitude and why they react to a certain situation. And yeah I should have pursue that psychology thingy while I still got a chance a couple years ago and who knows I might just be a Psychiatrist today but life sometimes take you into the opposite direction that you haven't got a clue and even to this day I still haven't got a clue why I study business administration (much to the dismay of most of my relatives at that time cause they thought I'm way much better to take up that course.... what about my doctor's dream or maybe that was their dream for me....blah blah blah) so there I find myself enrolled in my least favorite school and throughout my college days you could say I'm a bad and rebellious student.... you may ask why it's because I didn't get what I wanted .... I have dream of studying in Manila and in this particular school but then I didn't get that nor did I get to study psychology so what I did I drift through most of my college days.... there are times that I feel too lazy to even go to school so I utilize all the allowable absences in a particular subject but just enough so that the teacher won't drop me out from my subject... but there were also times that if I don't like the subject or the teacher I drop it out on my own free will.... and yes that's how much I value my education way back then I don't freaking care if I fail a subject or not so long as I'm happy with my decision and my classmate actually thought it cool that I keep on cutting classes or keep on being absent from class but the funny thing about it was that I am one lucky gal because some of the subjects I dropout I actually passed on the finals.... sometimes it's even funny to think about when most of my batchmates got so scared of a particular subject and did overnight and research so they can submit their thesis without a hitch while here I am having trouble relating to my groupmates so I decided to dropout of the group entirely and didn't attend the rest of the semester and thought I'll just retake it next sem but luck is really on my side because I passed that subject too it's actually English Research if I remember it right and you can't passed it if you have no research work and yes I haven't pass any research work hmmmm it's luck I tell you..... then there was this subject that I got so lazy I'm always absent in class and the funny thing is that most of my seatmates are also absent but the teacher didn't noticed it cause we sat in the backseat so if most of us were absent they'll just presume it's vacant seat and there were no student sitting there .... so now midterm came and the result of the exam.... all my seatmates got NC while I passed the midterms they were shock cause we always have the same absences and is not listening well to the lesson.... you wonder how I did that well I have a thing with essay test it's my fave type of exam so if one give me that kind of exam even if I'm not present most of the time I can actually find my way around it that the teacher actually like my answer.... anyway to sum it all up my college days were spent drifting, hating, regretting, dropping and plainly just being miserable why did I ever study in that school I don't really like it a bit (yeah that's me being childish & being a spoiled brat). I was punishing them for not allowing me to pursue and study where I want to be and yes I finish my 4 year course in 5 years time hahaha but I actually have no regrets what I've done at that time and though I have many NC's and failing marks it's part of who I am and I am not ashamed I've got them because I choose to live my life like that and I realize you are not define by the grades you get from school or the achievements you accumulate while studying. I never did get any recognition from my class except for one medal in Chinese while I was still in Grade 1 I was second honor and they give a silver medal and it was really nice to look at and it feels great to have that achievement because for someone who just started studying Chinese with no Chinese blood and no idea what's it all about to get that honor is just great.... but hey I'm not actually into intellectual pursuits and the academe because I hate everything that has got to do with school I really find it boring but the most ironic thing for someone who hate school I have finish two Bachelors degree, other short term courses and a Masters degree and is now contemplating on pursuing a PhD degree (yes that's how much I hate school yet I still find myself in want to pursue further studies). For me school is just a means to an end but in reality you don't learn anything from it except theories and ideas when real learning comes from the real world, living in the real world away from the confines of the four corner wall of these so called classrooms. Maybe school help shape you up as a person it gives you discipline and rules and molds you to be an outstanding citizen someday but I don't like rules and I'm the most undiscipline person you could ever meet and yes I don't like to fit into a particular mold I hate conformity and doing what society dictates you to do. I do my own thing, live life the way I want it maybe learn a few hard lessons along the way but I just don't want to live like most people do. It's more free if you pursue the things that makes you happy and not be trapped with these fancy frosting society calls achievements and be measured up with their standard of success. Success is limitless and unidentifiable, it can't be measured nor can it be judged, only you as a person can and will know if you have achieved the desire success you envisioned yourself because other people might see you a successful person while you only see yourself as falling short from your desired success level. I have neither the drive or ambition to pursue a definite career path cause for me being successful is not limited to just fame and fortune and prestige but being successful is living a happy life. It is so easy to say but hard to do because even if you have everything that money can buy, the best things that life could offer you and even the best rank in society but somehow it does not guarantee that you'll be happy. Happiness is a fleeting thing only few people find it and only few can keep it. I guess the trick of being happy with oneself is accepting your flaws and weaknesses and loving yourself inspite of it.
Note: Just my random thoughts because I find myself wanting to write something....
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I don't know what happen few months ago call it unmet expectation... expecting too much from person or whatever mistakes he committed (which I can't quite pinpoint) but even until now just thinking about it brought me to tears... so much disappointment I guess from a project/people who I thought I could help and help me as well. Yesterday was the last straw it brought back memories couple of months ago why I decided to give it all up and guess what after giving up that something I emerge myself into a so-called solitude/depression (drowning myself in unlimited korean series day in and day out) no plans, no directions, no aspiration, no dreams just barely existing.Although I know the harm of falling into a depress state but I can't help what I feel that time but thank God the cycle was broken when my cousin invited me to visit Mindanao. Oh what a reprive that was from that tortured state I was renew, refresh, recharge and alive but not until I find out the state of my health last October.
After coming back from Mindanao I thought to visit my doc thinking oh the meds would have workout by now since many months have past but only to findout otherwise so we (doki & I) agree I'll undergo an operation. I guess too much stressful thoughts is not good for my health. I was in a state of denial coz for so long I postpone that operation I seek alternative ways just to make me better but then sometimes one can't fight the inevitable so I succumb to it and have my operation last November.I suddenly find the courage to brave it all out, to get it over and be done with it. From the first day of checking in the hospital even the time I'm on my way to have my operation I felt no fear and not even a single tear fell from my face (which by the way is quite the opposite feeling I have just few weeks before my operation cause last October I sometimes find myself crying thinking of the forthcoming operation - I guess I was in denial state).
Looking back at my stay in the hospital I can deduce I was being brave but not until the time my father brought of opening a foodshop in the province and ask me to manage it and for no reason at all I really burst into tears and the dam was broken. My aunt and mother was so shock why I was crying and the nurses never said a thing but I know maybe they thought I was crying coz I was to undergo a blood transfusion and I'm scared. But what they didn't know I was battling an emotional battle, a hurt I've felt after that project fall to the ground and I guess can't help but be disappointed with the people around it as well.
What I didn't realize is that the hurt runs deep and it was only yesterday when a certain event trigger that hurt and disappointment I felt couple of months ago and you know what the funny thing is I burst to tears once again. Funny in a way that I've brave out a major operation and never shed a tear and here I am just a minor event crying in outrage. I do try so hard in the deepest part of my heart to forgive that person since it's christmas and everything. And one should not hold grudges and unforgiveness since everyone of us are only humans bound to fail and fall short of others expectation. But I guess you can also forgive my weakness that I'm also a person bound to be ruled out by too much emotion and hurt. Well I know in time everything will have its healing and forgiveness but dang it all I was just too freaking emotional yesterday and this kind of emotion is not a welcome visitor for someone who is also trying to heal from a major operation.